Every once in awhile you have a moment when you realize that a cliché saying has managed to attach itself to your life and make itself true. When this happens, depending on the cliché, you can either feel like an ass or like you’ve got your life in order that things are going well for you so far. In my case, however, the former is what I’ve been feeling and I curse whoever it was that said, “You are what you attract.”
My colorful love life is often a source of discussion with my friends as well as inspiration for my writing. With more fumbles than touchdowns when it comes to matters of my heart, I take each experience and try to make it useful in someway. In order to do this, I often have to backtrack and relive every situation in order to find what I had missed the first time. While doing this, and talking to a couple of girlfriends in similar situations, I noticed a pattern.
To put it plainly, I’m shallow. I’ve admitted this openly before, but in case you missed it, I’m doing it again. I like attractive people. Not to say that I wouldn’t ever associate myself with those that would be considered to be unattractive based on the social scale of what’s hot and what’s not but when it comes to dating, if I don’t find you to be attractive at first or second glance, you’re pretty much out of luck if you were hoping to get out of the friend zone with me. I hate to sound superficial but its true. And to follow in the grand tradition of clichés, most of the genuinely great guys I meet do nothing for me visually.
Now you may say that its possible for a person’s great personality to make him more attractive to you and in some cases that almost worked on me. I had a slight crush on a great guy that I clicked with and found slightly more attractive because of his personality. But my superficial side would every so often pop up and remind me that I do not think this guy is handsome, cute or anything remotely desirable, and put a damper on what I thought I was feeling. It’s also very easy to put these kinds of guys in “The Friend Zone” because I know that they do make awesome friends. However, I’m not the very best at being forward with a person I’m friend zoning. In case you were wondering, this is where more honesty comes in.
Aside from being shallow, I like attention. Honestly, who doesn’t? It’s nice to feel wanted even if it’s not by someone you want for yourself. But it’s not fair to lead this person on because you want attention. And it is here where I have to put on my “I’m A Jerk” sign and own up to doing this far too often. I’m not sure why I do it but I’m guessing its because, as I’ve acknowledged before, I chase guys that are no good for me. Men that have shown me time and time again that they don’t want me how I want them and that it would never work with. So the friend that’s giving me attention serves as a cushion. He is someone to reassure me that I am in fact desirable to someone even if he isn’t the same to me. And I know that if I let this friend know that I don’t want him, he will move on to someone else and I will be left without any attention. This is where the cliché attaches itself to me like Velcro on the fibers of my love life.
I complain about how some guys are never honest with me and tell me from the beginning stages that they aren’t interested in me until I’ve already begun to like them a little too much. But while this happens to me, I forget that I too, am doing it to someone else. I am now that asshole that only texts when I’m bored, or have been ignored by my first pick. I’m guilty of asking guys to the movies just because I know he will pay and I won’t have to talk to him for a couple hours. It’s a fucked up thing to do but I do it every now and then. Its not that I don’t genuinely care for these people as friends but I am flawed and sometimes it shows. In retrospect, however, I know that I’m not any better than the men I curse to my friends and use as the subjects of my scorned tales of love lost. I am my ex-boyfriend that knows just what to say to get me to come over when he’s lonely and his girlfriend isn’t around but after that night, won’t reach out to me again for another 2 months. I’m not being fair. I wouldn’t call myself a heart breaker but would someone else be wrong if they were to call me one? And with all of these things, I am noticing that I am indeed what I attract complain to attract. I am a selfish, asshole.
To most, if not all, this sounds like a clear-cut case of being insecure. Save the psychoanalysis because I’ve been down that road with my therapist already. I have my insecurities of course but I haven’t fallen very far into the “I hate myself and always need someone” hole just yet. Aside from my lesser qualities, I also know that I’m not a total shit person. If we’re sticking to the theme here, unless all of the good guys that I’ve been stringing along are secretly douchebags themselves, I must be decent enough for anyone to even like me, right? And if they are douchebags, then my guilt is being felt in vain and they deserve it. But I don’t think that they are and so they don’t deserve what I’m giving them, just like I don’t believe that I deserve everything that I’ve been given.
And so now I’ve reached the fork in the road where I have to choose between continuing this ongoing cycle and growing beyond my bad habits and exclusive attraction to assholes with nice smiles. I have to learn to be up front as a means to avoid hurting feelings down the line. I have to give myself the attention I want and not demand it of someone else at the cost of his feelings. I have to be a decent human being. Maybe once I start doing that I’ll find someone really great and it won’t matter to me whether or not he looks like Idris Elba or not. And as I grow as a better person, hopefully that cliché will continue to ring true.