Part One

I took my can of Arizona Iced Tea out of the freezer and shook it. It was at that stage where the juice was frozen but still soft enough to drink, with a bit of it still in a liquid state. Perfect. I cracked the can open and poured a glass full for myself.
I closed the freezer door and turned the lights off in my kitchen. The entire apartment was dark except for the glow coming from underneath my bedroom door. I tip toed back into my bedroom and was careful not to make too much noise. But then he rolled over in bed and looked at me. ”For me?” he smiled. ”No. For me.” I sipped from the glass then handed it to him.
This was the third night Ryan had come over. I didn’t question him about whatever problems he may be having with his girlfriend this time. I was curious but didn’t want to know. I was content with his company and did not want to remind myself that it only came when he was upset or bored with his current situation. He was mine for these few nights and it was my pleasure to help him forget whatever was bothering him.
I climbed back into bed and clicked on the television. I flipped through the channels absentmindedly. I didn’t know what I was looking for. And that went for television just as much as it went for my love life. I felt his arm drap over my shoulders and his finger tips draw small circles on my skin. I tried not to react but my skin grew prickly and I shuttered slightly. The flesh is weak I thought to myself.
“Whats the matter?”
“Nothing.” Click
“You seem distracted.”
“Nope. Just trying to understand why there’s nothing on television, ever.”Click, click
“We don’t have to watch TV. We can do something else.”
“Like what?”
He wanted to talk? Or was he only saying that because men are constantly told that all women want to do is talk and he’s trying to follow suit. I didn’t want to talk. At least not if I was going to get the answers that I knew I would if I did ask him any questions.
“Why are you with her?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean exactly that. Why are you with her?”
“I don’t know.”
He removed his arm from around me. It was too late to stop now. I had to keep pressing until he answered me.
“Ok so you’re just with her to be with her?”
“No. I love her.”
“So why do you cheat on her with me?”
“Why does it matter to you all of a sudden?”
“Its not all of a sudden.”
“You care enough to stop fucking with me?”
“I don’t know. No.”
“You do for me something she doesn’t.”
“Fuck you any way you want and cook you dinner?”
“That but you’re a great girl in general.”
I heard him getting frustrated. He could get up and leave after this and never speak to me. We have no ties. He owes me nothing. And part of me wouldn’t blame him. But another part of me would be angry. As if he broke up with me when in actuality he’d be doing the right thing. I remembered something I read about how when a woman sleeps with a man, a hormone is released that makes her feel closer to the person she has had sex with. I imagined him being drenched in my emotional hormones. And then I’d rub them into his skin so he’d feel what I felt. Or maybe I drain this hormone out of my system totally and never have it released again so that I wouldn’t have these kinds of emotions.
“If I’m so great, why isn’t it me? Why am I just a side? Why do you only show up when you’re fighting? Or bored? Why am I a secret?”
“Lets not do this please.”
“Fine! Lets do what you came for instead!”
I climbed on top of him and kissed him hard. I tasted the salt of my tears on his lips and licked them away. I felt his arms pull me to him tight and his hands firmly grip my waist. He pulled away from me and looked at me. I felt small. I felt foolish.
I kissed him before he could get anything out. I didn’t want to know.

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