Part Five

You have to stop. You have to stop making yourself so available.
The hot water streaming from the showerhead, beat against my shoulders. I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath and tried to imagine how it would feel to have every trouble be scrubbed away and vanish forever down the drain. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I scrubbed, buffed, exfoliated and cleansed my body, my heart still wore the wear and tear of it all. Skid marks and footprints. Bruises and cuts. Battered and beaten. But, not all these wounds were caused by another. Most of them were self-inflicted.
I hadn’t spoken to Ryan in a week. He hadn’t tried to speak to me much either. He stood me up tonight. It wasn’t uncommon, but it was always disappointing. I was that stupid puppy that sat waiting at the door for her little boy to come home from school to play with her. But the little boy was more interested in other things. There was no need for him to rush “home.”
Do you know how stupid you look? Can never learn your lesson, huh? He does this because you make him think its okay to.
I cared more than I should have. This was not supposed to happen and yet it always did. It was like driving drunk and waiting to cause an accident. A 5 car pile-up on a busy expressway. Eventually I’ll crash. A few innocent bystanders will be caught in the chaos. Perhaps there’ll be a gas leak and an engine will explode, causing an inferno that will incinerate everything and everyone involved except for me. I’ll live to do it to myself all over again. Stupid. Careless.
I got out of the shower. The only light in my bedroom came from the yellow glow of the streetlights outside. I picked up my phone. My cheeks wet. In three rings I heard his voice on the other end.
“I’m finished.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s