Part Seven

This couldn’t have been my life. Of course this was my life! Things like this only happen in television series, movies and to me! Where was the camera? Where was Ashton? Did Ryan really show up at my door? Unannounced? While Kyle was here? I held my breath waiting for someone to react. What must’ve been only 30 seconds, felt like 30 years. I could’ve sworn that I felt 5 grey hairs sprout from my scalp the very second I spotted Ryan in my doorway.
“Is Quinn home?”
“Yeah. She’s here.”
I guessed that that was my cue to show myself and come out from hiding in the corner. I stepped into Ryan’s view behind Kyle and forced a smile. His expression looked confused, hurt and pissed off.
“Hi!”
“Hey”
“What’s up?”
Ryan looked over at Kyle who was still standing in the doorway. Why couldn’t there have been a fire or something? Three was most certainly not company.
“I’m just gonna go. I came by to say hi but you’ve got company and I don’t want to bother you.”
I wanted to tell him to stay but I stopped myself. I began to think about all of my unanswered texts and phone calls. The times when I needed Ryan and he wasn’t there. Not just because he was with Sam, but because he didn’t want to be there. I was never a priority. I would never be a priority. I thought of all these things and felt the tips of my ears get hot. Now I was pissed.
“Alright”
Ryan must have expected me to have begged him to stay because his face dropped. This got to me even more. Of course that’s what he expected of you Quinn! After showing up unannounced and ignoring you countless times, of course be excepts you to ditch whatever you’re doing to cater it him. It’s because you always have before. You accepted that treatment. You accepted being second rate to him. I scolded myself. Ryan was still staring at me in disbelief. I figured he was waiting for me to tell him that I would call him later or something. I wouldn’t though. I couldn’t. I told myself as well as him that this was over and I meant it. When he finally realized that I wasn’t going to say anything more, he looked from me to Kyle once more. He nodded his head as if to say that he understood and turned to walk back down the hall towards the elevator. Kyle shut the door. I felt nauseous. I ran into the bathroom, leaned over the toilet seat and vomited. In all of the excitement, I’d forgotten about being ill for the past couple of days. Or at least I was trying to convince myself that thats what it was. After taking a moment to freshen up, I joined Kyle in the living room again. He was on the couch, staring into space. When he finally noticed that I’d come back, he motioned for me to come join him. I smiled and obliged, resting my head in his lap and allowing him to run his fingers through my curls.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
At least I thought I was fine. I thought I’d feel good after ending things with Ryan but I missed him already. Despite how fucked up our relationship with one another was, I loved him. Even if it was one sided. Even if he’d never leave Sam to be with me. I was irrationally in love with him. But it didn’t matter anymore. It was time to stop being irrational.
“So that was him?”
“Huh?” Kyle’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
“That’s him.”
“Him who?”
“Him.”
I didn’t say anything. Kyle knew who and what that was. It hurt more because he seemed to still care about me in spite of everything. Before Ryan’s visit, I’d spent an hour spilling my guts to Kyle. I told him everything. If he wanted me to feel about him the way that he felt about me, I warned him that he would only end up hurt. But if his friendship was what he was willing to give in exchange for mine, then we would be fine. He said he needed time to think about it and I understood that. But for now, I was grateful that he at least stayed awhile longer. I felt him put his lips to my forehead and exhaled.

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