No Place Like Vagina

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Previously featured on AllThingsSass.com

After having an estrogen fueled discussion with my girlfriends, it was reaffirmed to us that having vaginas is hard work. No, this is not another feminist rant and I’m not talking about having a vagina being hard work in relation to glass ceilings and double standards. I mean that it is simply not that simple to have a vagina. Once I hit 12 years old, I’ve learned that having a vagina is like owning a home. You’ve got to clean it, keep it smelling nice, looking presentable and protect it from home invasions and unwanted guests. And whether you’ve got a multimillion dollar mansion or a humble studio apartment in between your thighs, upkeep and maintenance is required and there are so many things that can and probably will go wrong.
Let’s begin with the outer appearances. Our front yards. Technically, it’s not the vagina but who really uses the word vulva besides my OBGYN? I’m one of those girls that will let the grass grow a little bit if I don’t plan on having any company. Why? To put it simply, the hair removal process can be tedious and painful. As an adult that enjoys mouth hugs (giving and receiving) I can totally understand that coughing up a hair ball kind of kills the mood. So for my guest’s sake, I not only trim the hedges, I scorch the Earth. But taking trips to Brazil via spa appointments gets costly and like I mentioned before, it f***ing hurts. Sure we can shave but having your nether region resemble the back of a Nestlé Crunch Bar won’t keep ‘em coming back (I’m talking razor bumps). I’ve experienced a chemical burn from using hair removal creams like Nair and Veet and let’s just say when a label tells you not to do something, it is for a reason. But despite all of this, me and many of my fellow vagina owners torture ourselves for whatever reasons in order to maintain the flower pots in our panties.
It’s important to keep your outside looking presentable and welcoming but if the inside is a disaster, what’s the point? Now I know Tyra Banks loves to refer to our lady parts as “self cleaning appliances”, and yes it is true that our vaginas essentially clean themselves, but things can malfunction and we don’t have warranties if things go bad. Lets have a moment for the ladies with sensitive vaginas. You girls go through so much. From yeast infections to allergies, it’s like knowing Bubble Boy if he lived between your legs. My mother can’t wear underwear that doesn’t have white cotton crotchets because dye irritates her. My girlfriend is allergic to latex and I mean how reliable are sheep skin condoms? A lot of our vaginas’ health is affected by our diets and lifestyles but some women just have more issues than others. Yeah, you can drink tons of water every day and eat yogurt, fruits and vegetables but there will still be those times when you’re the girl in the commercial wearing the red hoodie and your yeast infection symptoms are Zimmerman-like (too soon?). And then we have all of these B.S. sprays and deodorants. Newsflash: your vagina isn’t supposed to smell like summer rain or morning dew on a blade of grass. Pussy smells like pussy! It doesn’t taste like pineapples or water. It tastes like pussy! If you’re sour or smell like an edible arrangement, something is wrong. You have your own, unique smell just like many homes do. But the Pine-Sol woman should not be making visits to your vagina.
Now on to the home invasions and unwanted guests. Sometimes we can invite someone in and they’ll leave behind unwanted reminders of their stay with you. It’s bad enough that there aren’t many ways to test guys for certain STDs but we have interiors and although I’m familiar with myself, I’m not in there feeling around everyday for something strange. It’s like logging on to Web MD. You think you feel something every time you have a look or feel around and boom, you have cancer. I’ve wrongly self-diagnosed about a billion times but only because its tricky to know what exactly is happening in my body’s 4 inch deep walk in closet. Trips to the gyno aren’t on my list of favorites but what else can you do to be sure that your partner didn’t leave you a parting gift that keeps on giving? Much like Hannah Hovak, I too wonder about “the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms”. Condoms aren’t 100% effective and STDs can still be passed along just by touching each other’s junk. And yeah Lena Dunham may have said that all adventurous women have had a brush with HPV or something but I like my adventures cancer-cell free. So it’s time we find a Sloman Shield type of security system for our love boxes, ladies.
When it comes to owning a vagina, I can sometimes feel like Tim Allen on an episode of Home Improvement and even hear myself making that confused grunting noise he does. But despite how they may sometimes leak, have squeaky floors or thin walls, our vaginas are pretty awesome. Why else would so many men and women spend the rest of their lives trying to get inside once they’ve left? There’s no place like home.

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