Monthly Archives: February 2014

Taking the “Friend” Out of Friends With Benefits.

Charlotte: Excuse me. Fuck buddy? What is a fuck buddy?
Samantha: Oh, come on.
Carrie: A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice, but it didn’t really go anywhere, but the sex was so great, you sorta of keep him on call.
Samantha: He’s like dial-a-dick.

Is it possible to have sex without strings attached? I’m getting straight to the point with this one. Fuck Buddies. Friends with Benefits. Whatever you want to label it, can it be done? Even though I have yet to see it done properly, I still believe that it can be. We’ve had two movies (which are essentially the same movie) where by the end of the story, we think that it can’t ever end without someone falling for the other. But I beg to differ. I just think we’ve been doing it wrong.
Carrie’s definition, as seen above, differs from my definition of what a friend with benefits (FWB) is mostly because I’d rather not refer to an ex as a friend or buddy but rather a mistake and a pain in my ass. But that’s neither here nor there. A FWB doesn’t have to be an ex. The basic function of a FWB situation is that this person is there for just sex. (S)he is not you girl/boyfriend. They come in handy when you find yourself in between relationships, and in need of getting off every now and then and you don’t want to deal with the hassle of going out, having to meet different people and hoping that they’re willing to sleeping with you. Like Samantha said, “he’s dial-a-dick” (or phone-a-fuck for readers that aren’t interested in dick). And the way that I’ve always seen a FWB situation begin is usually at the friend stage. But that may be where we mess up the true essence of what a FWB is.
Let’s go back to the notion that FWBs never work because someone always catches feelings. In my own situation, I was guilty of breaking the number one rule of FWBs. That rule is DO NOT DEVELOP FEELINGS! You just don’t do it. Again, the whole purpose of this set up is to have very casual sex with a person that you don’t find utterly repulsive. You get in, get off and get out. As long as everybody cums, you’re work is done. However, more times than not, I’ve heard that this simple rule is the hardest to follow. A friend of mine shared with me that he always had to end his FWB situations because his FWB would begin to develop feelings for him. When I asked if he knew why, he explained it was because he was being an actual friend to these women and maybe that’s where the problem lies. At first I disagreed and suggested that maybe the women he was having sex with weren’t clear about the nature of their relationship, or that maybe they weren’t mature enough for a FWB arrangement. But after recently seeing another FWB situation fall apart that involved another friend of mine, where I had reassured her that it is possible to enjoy the company and the penis of a man without actually wanting more from him, I’m starting to think my male acquaintance is right and, like Sway, I ain’t got the answers. Maybe we’ve gotta take the friends out of Friends with Benefits.
Yeah, it sounds pretty dope to say that you have a friend that likes all of the things that you do, laughs at all of the same jokes but (s)he is hot and you get to have great sex with him/her without anyone being emotional. It’s all the perks of having a relationship without the stresses. But maybe you shouldn’t get personal with your FWB. Do you really need to know his favorite color? Should it be important to you that she prefers pepperoni on her pizza rather than anchovies? Perhaps all we need to know is that (s)he likes A, B, and C done in the bedroom and that you both are STD free. In my personal experience, all the friend stuff like talking about personal things and spending time together when we weren’t having sex only allowed myself to really know the guy and start to fall for the guy. He became a real friend and so a bond was formed. An attachment. And it was much like the ones I have with my other friends. What made it different was that there was now a sexual attraction involved. A little extra. And isn’t that how a boyfriend or girlfriend differs from your other friends? That little extra. The terms boyfriend and girlfriend both share that root word. Friend. So of course I started to see him differently and it eventually ruined our arrangement and our friendship for some time. I didn’t know how to separate my feelings from our sex anymore.
I’m the kind of person that believes that sexual intercourse is a basic behavior for human beings. Granted, we know that we can get more out of it than a nut and off spring, but we can have sex without being in love or even in like. What makes you genuinely love or like someone doesn’t happen only while you’re humping each other all crazy. It happens in the moments in between. When you find yourself talking for hours about everything and nothing at all. When you realize you like how it feels when the two of you are holding hands. When his laugh makes you laugh. All that mushy shit that happens in romantic comedies right before things shift. When the friendship is being built. And that’s where I’ve seen the rule of detachment fail. Maybe we shouldn’t be real friends with our FWBs. Maybe we should keep it extremely light. Only speak when we have to. Maybe you shouldn’t ask how my day went and I shouldn’t ask about your favorite books and why you like them. Maybe that’s the only way to make Friends with Benefits actually beneficial.

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