Today I typed into google’s search bar “signs of depression” and according to Web M.D., I am depressed. I also have malaria. I’m sure there’s a shot or something for my second diagnosis but I’m not quite sure how to rid myself of my other ailment without popping pills like skittles.
I’m bored and underwhelmed with my life. A result of this is feeling like I want to cry every five minutes. I have nothing and no one to look forward to. My love/social life, finances, and job (not career but regular ass job) are all at a stand still and seem to have been for the past year (longer for some of the other parts of my life).
I can’t remember what day it was that I realized that my existence was pretty much insignificant as well as miserable, or what triggered it. But when it hit me, that shit sucked. It was like getting punched in the throat and gasping for air but not getting any. I want so much to shake this funk but I can’t seem to.
I came close to deleting this blog today because , well, what’s the point? I have nothing worth writing about. Nothing worth saying. And no one to read it if I did. I began scribbling a piece in my notebook the other day and was suddenly overcome with tears after realizing that I had no true interest in what I was writing about. I simply did not give a shit as much as I wanted to. And so I gave up on it.
Giving up seems to be the answer I choose a lot more these days. But I don’t want to anymore. I just don’t know how to go about things differently. Should I move away? Should I chop off all of my hair again? Should I start getting high and drunk more often? Should I behave recklessly and irresponsibly just so I can feel something other than sad? It sounds like I should see a doctor, I’m sure. I feel like I should be doing more but I can’t. I have no means to do anything. I’m stuck while everyone and everything around me seems to be flying by me with ease and without looking back. I’m drowning while everyone sails by. I’m scared.

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