I can go from hot to cold in an instant. I have an emotional switch that I flip on and off at will. More recently I’ve been trying to figure out of its a blessing or a curse to have such an ability.  I’m still on the fence. Sorta. 

I’m an emotional person. When I feel, I FEEL.  However, sometimes I’d rather not feel. I’d rather be apathetic. It saves me a lot of trouble when dealing with people and certain situations. More specifically, situations of the romantic kind.  
And it’s because of this switch that I have my finger on, always ready to forcefully flick, that I think I’m misunderstood in my reaction to things or lack there of. There have been times where people close to me have said that I don’t know how it feels to be in a situation where a person you love is basically a shit head but you just can’t help but love that person. Well to that, I say, “ERRONEOUS!” 
Let’s clarify. Its not that I’ve never been there. On the contrary, I was there up until a year ago. In the beginning of that situation, I was guarded. I had always worn my heart on my sleeve and it had always ended up being torn.  But he was persistent and I saw his potential (what a load of crap that shit was). I stopped fighting and flipped the switch to “On”. From that moment on, that man took me through so many emotions I felt like I was crazy. 
Things that were unforgivable I was overlooking. Things that I have called any other woman foolish for enduring, I was letting happen to me. I started to feel ways about myself that weren’t healthy. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. And for almost 3 years, I lived that way.  I’d gotten all the good advice in the world. I had all the support from my friends. I was putting on a great act for the world that I had everything under control. But I didn’t. It was as if my switch was stuck. It was like that man had cut the wiring all together and I was stuck on stupid.
Then one day, I stopped. Don’t ask me what did it exactly because I can’t recall. But whatever happened, my switch flipped and I was turned “off.”  And I stayed that way. I gained control once again and I have no plans on losing it again. 
It’s safer this way. I feel secure in knowing that I’m not too invested in someone/thing to the point that I lose myself again. I don’t ever want to feel like I’m drowning in my emotions again. Literally feeling like I cant breathe. It’s horrible. As soon as I feel overwhelmed, I exercise my ability to turn it off and turn away. 
Some people may think that it’s not exactly a good thing to be so ready to abandon your feelings. If you’re always ready to run, how do you experience how wonderful love is as a whole?  I’ve wondered that myself. I’m just not at a place where I’m willing to find out if the juice is worth the squeeze. Does that stop me from really loving someone the way I once did?  Of course it does but that’s the point. You could say that it may not happen again and that may be true but I don’t want to trust in the “maybe” ever again. That kinda sucks since there isn’t such a thing as a “sure thing” in life no matter what Miguel might’ve sang once upon a time. 
That all consuming, crazy, irrational love?  No thanks.  I’m fine with going from “I love you” to “NOPE” real quick (real fuckin quick, boy) right now.  

One thought on “Switch 

  1. Lenny

    It’s heartbreaking when invested time and emotions ends in a train wreck. I myself wouldn’t be turned off to the idea of love after a horrible break up, but I can understand why some people elect to take that route.


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