Switch 

I can go from hot to cold in an instant. I have an emotional switch that I flip on and off at will. More recently I’ve been trying to figure out of its a blessing or a curse to have such an ability.  I’m still on the fence. Sorta. 

I’m an emotional person. When I feel, I FEEL.  However, sometimes I’d rather not feel. I’d rather be apathetic. It saves me a lot of trouble when dealing with people and certain situations. More specifically, situations of the romantic kind.  
And it’s because of this switch that I have my finger on, always ready to forcefully flick, that I think I’m misunderstood in my reaction to things or lack there of. There have been times where people close to me have said that I don’t know how it feels to be in a situation where a person you love is basically a shit head but you just can’t help but love that person. Well to that, I say, “ERRONEOUS!” 
Let’s clarify. Its not that I’ve never been there. On the contrary, I was there up until a year ago. In the beginning of that situation, I was guarded. I had always worn my heart on my sleeve and it had always ended up being torn.  But he was persistent and I saw his potential (what a load of crap that shit was). I stopped fighting and flipped the switch to “On”. From that moment on, that man took me through so many emotions I felt like I was crazy. 
Things that were unforgivable I was overlooking. Things that I have called any other woman foolish for enduring, I was letting happen to me. I started to feel ways about myself that weren’t healthy. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. And for almost 3 years, I lived that way.  I’d gotten all the good advice in the world. I had all the support from my friends. I was putting on a great act for the world that I had everything under control. But I didn’t. It was as if my switch was stuck. It was like that man had cut the wiring all together and I was stuck on stupid.
Then one day, I stopped. Don’t ask me what did it exactly because I can’t recall. But whatever happened, my switch flipped and I was turned “off.”  And I stayed that way. I gained control once again and I have no plans on losing it again. 
It’s safer this way. I feel secure in knowing that I’m not too invested in someone/thing to the point that I lose myself again. I don’t ever want to feel like I’m drowning in my emotions again. Literally feeling like I cant breathe. It’s horrible. As soon as I feel overwhelmed, I exercise my ability to turn it off and turn away. 
Some people may think that it’s not exactly a good thing to be so ready to abandon your feelings. If you’re always ready to run, how do you experience how wonderful love is as a whole?  I’ve wondered that myself. I’m just not at a place where I’m willing to find out if the juice is worth the squeeze. Does that stop me from really loving someone the way I once did?  Of course it does but that’s the point. You could say that it may not happen again and that may be true but I don’t want to trust in the “maybe” ever again. That kinda sucks since there isn’t such a thing as a “sure thing” in life no matter what Miguel might’ve sang once upon a time. 
That all consuming, crazy, irrational love?  No thanks.  I’m fine with going from “I love you” to “NOPE” real quick (real fuckin quick, boy) right now.  
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One thought on “Switch 

  1. Lenny

    It’s heartbreaking when invested time and emotions ends in a train wreck. I myself wouldn’t be turned off to the idea of love after a horrible break up, but I can understand why some people elect to take that route.

    Reply

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